conversations with my bookshelf - Murielle Müller

I. we’ve spent a lot of time together, these days. surely, during lockdown one, two and three and a half our relationship has altered.

you look at me more tauntingly

askingly

why don’t you touch me anymore?

i turn my head, click watch on yet another series. chances are high it’ll only be mediocre. but i can just stay here. i don’t have to invest. emotionally, you know. it just numbs the pain, drowns out the silence.

with you,

i have to make up the voices myself. i have to listen carefully.

i have to imagine.

it’s not you, it’s me.

it’s too much effort.

II. i get annoyed. you’re hovering. always there with your heavily filled shelves. book on book on book. hundreds of stories whispering read me read me.

so full.

of you.

shut up.

calm down.

you and i, we aren’t going anywhere. we’re fine.

tbh.

i hope i’ll be able to get out of here one day, soon.

i’ll be out and about again, meeting people, drinking beer, dancing, kissing strangers, forgetting all about you.

living the real life.

you’ll be at home waiting.

alone.

filled with unread stories.

III. i can’t sleep. i’m sorry. i need you now. my eyes are so tired from switching between screens. big wide screens, and small bright screens, blued downed screens, screens screens screens.

i remember calmer stories are waiting on paper.

they don’t glow or reflect.

just black ink on matt white. it doesn’t feel as consuming. i’m so tired of being sucked into this abyss. i want to escape more gently. i cannot bear life right now. need to put on another skin. turn a page.

smell paper.

steadiness. that’s what i’m looking for. you’re heavy.

you’re so gracefully still and loud at the same time.

i need you now.

IV. i’m looking for something new. what would you recommend? a little poetry? a classic? a love story? an adventure? i need a character right now. give me one right now. a character i can relate to. a character that is nothing like me. need someone to hate.

need someone to love.

need someone to despise.

someone to admire?

i need to escape.

to a different time.

to a different city.

i need to be right now.

V. something has to change. you have to excite me more, please me more. how can i improve you?

rearrange.

colour coordinated, alphabetically, chronologically.

what does this say about me?

and you?

why do i even care?

i might just put the spines to the back.

a new trend in home decor.

spines in, pages out.

spineless.

VI. i’m so wired.

waiting for the day i can show you off.

my room speaks volumes

and you’re the loudest,

yelling

look at me

she’s so well read

she’s so interesting

are you all about the image now?

VII. do you ever get tired from all this baggage inside your shelves?

how do you hold all these stories?

VIII.

sorry i’ve been neglecting you so much.

i won’t leave, you say.

no matter what.

IX. i’ll lift one off of you.

promise.